Hallelujah
by Lawn Kat
Summary: The pain was too much. It was going to destroy him, not that he didn't deserve it. How he hated Kurogane. Fai's POV of his transformation in Tokyo. Rated to be safe.


"And it's not a cry you can hear at night. It's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah." ("Hallelujah" by Rufus Wainwright)

Special thanks to Xx-DarkStar for betaing this.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Tsubasa or any of the characters. For if I did, the genius of this scene would not have existed.

* * *

He wished dearly that he had something in his stomach. At least that way he would have something to throw up instead of dry heaving.

It hurt. Oh, that didn't even describe it. He couldn't describe it. Not that he wanted to at this particular moment, or even could. He just wanted it to stop.

He grabbed at the sheets on the bed, trying to hold on, as foolish and useless as it was. The sheets felt damp from his sweat as his fists clenched so hard that it should have broken his hands. He felt something pushing him down, but he didn't want that. Tremors ran through his body, making him jerk around and push up on whatever was holding him down.

Something grabbed his shoulder and he reached up and grabbed it. He needed to hold something, something solid, something that wouldn't break like he was breaking. That something was Kurogane.

This wasn't what he wanted at all. He had specifically told them to let him die. So, why? He knew Kurogane didn't want him to die, and a small part of his heart rejoiced in that, but this…This wasn't saving him. It was tearing him apart, piece by tiny piece.

Maybe this was his punishment for everything he had done.

And he did deserve it. He did deserve the pain, but not from Kurogane. The pain itself was understandable, but coming from Kurogane, it just seemed like betrayal. And betrayal hurt, he already knew that. But coming from Kurogane it was just cold.

The tremors continued. Kurogane seemed to be the only solid thing there. He clung to him, but with a desperation that scared even him. He was vaguely aware that there were others in the room, and that they were talking. How could they be talking? He heard Kurogane's voice, felt him pushing him back down. Was he really that selfish to subject him to this just to go against his wishes and keep him alive?

But Kurogane wasn't the one being selfish. Somewhere deep down, not really even that deep, he knew that _he_ was the selfish one, wanting to simply die like that. How much pain were his companions in, right now? Sakura, now knowing that her Syaoran wasn't the real one and that he had tried to hurt her and her friends. "Syaoran", knowing as much as the clone Syaoran and more, and yet already facing Sakura's rejection. Mokona, watching all its friends getting hurt and not being able to do anything. And Kurogane, how much did he hurt right now, knowing that he was causing Fai so much pain just to keep him alive? That Fai would probably hate him afterwards?

Another violent ripping sensation ran down Fai's back and all other thoughts disappeared. The pain was too much. He was going to be pulled apart. How long could this go on? Anything was better than this, death was better.

How he hated Kurogane at the minute. He hadn't wanted to live. He didn't deserve to be alive. But Kurogane had screwed that up, just as he had before. Kurogane was determined to keep him alive. But why? Why did it matter so much to Kurogane? Why was he sentencing himself to becoming prey just to keep him alive? Was he really that important to Kurogane? Was he really worth it?

No, he wasn't.

The pain started to ebb, something he was surprised by. He had expected it to go on for much longer.

The bandages slid down his face, exposing his empty eye socket a little. Fai drew away from Kurogane's chest and looked up at him. Kurogane's face was scrunched up into a frown, just as always, but this time it looked different. It looked, worried, and a little sad. But that couldn't be. Kurogane couldn't care for him. That just didn't make any sense. Not that anything else did anymore.

He glared, or at least tried to, wanted to. He wanted to convey the hatred and pain that was threatening to overwhelm him to Kurogane. Wanted him to feel it, wanted it to burn him. He wanted to hate Kurogane, wanted to hurt him. He wanted to hurt Kurogane so badly it made him sick.

Kurogane met his gaze, arms on either side of him to make sure he didn't hurt himself. He hated that. He didn't need Kurogane to take care of him. He didn't need Kurogane to save him. He didn't want it. He didn't. He honestly, truly didn't. He hated him. He wanted to make that clear. He wanted to…because…he hated Kurogane…forget the warmth…this wasn't warm or fuzzy…it was cold and broken…he would never forgive him…never…he had…to convey that…somehow…

--

"Good morning, Kurogane."


End file.
